My partner is undergoing chemotherapy for an aggressive breast cancer. I still come up short of breath when saying those words. And I am reluctant to bring this part of my personal life into this blog. Yet, every bone and nerve in my body says that--to be an honest writer--I need to be there 100% with my whole being. Avoiding my daily and hourly participation in her diagnosis and care would be a sham.
Nausea, fatigue and moodiness are our roommates. We live with contradictory partners: hope and poison. Where does stamina come from? What about grace? Pure will. Steel thread, Steel cable. Girder. Thin strand again.
Our survivor friend finds her power as researcher. My partner ignores all scientific reports, medical journals and pilots her small ship by attending to what is in front of her each hour. Each day. Each minute of each hour of each day.
I am the chart reader, forecast receiver. I catalogue everything but do not share unless asked. Forever processing—a feeble microchip. Calculating, relaying, paraphrasing, converting to plain speech the most convoluted and contradicting.
No, I am the ballast. Below decks. Storm-tossed and coming back to center again and again.
Nausea, fatigue and moodiness are our roommates. We live with contradictory partners: hope and poison. Where does stamina come from? What about grace? Pure will. Steel thread, Steel cable. Girder. Thin strand again.
Our survivor friend finds her power as researcher. My partner ignores all scientific reports, medical journals and pilots her small ship by attending to what is in front of her each hour. Each day. Each minute of each hour of each day.
I am the chart reader, forecast receiver. I catalogue everything but do not share unless asked. Forever processing—a feeble microchip. Calculating, relaying, paraphrasing, converting to plain speech the most convoluted and contradicting.
No, I am the ballast. Below decks. Storm-tossed and coming back to center again and again.
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